what happened? part 4: home

November 22, 2014 was the first time they told Bear he can go home the next day but then that changed because one of the four doctors didn't come in on Sunday. Then on Monday, Bear texted me that the doctors were talking about releasing him that day. We were both excited but then for some reason they didn't let him. It was driving him crazy having to hear them say go and then no for three days. Thanksgiving was coming up and I haven't bought the stuff we need; Aerell had fever in the past week and passed it on to me. Bear had told me to go to the store on Monday to get the stuff we need for Thanksgiving but I was just too tired to go. So, I waited until the next day.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014: At 1pm, I took the kids to the store and bought a turkey and everything else that we'll need for our Thanksgiving feast. Around 2pm, Bear texted me and said he was confirmed to go home today! I was ecstatic, he's been in the hospital for a total of 12 days and I just missed him so much. He said he had showered earlier that day and he smelled like baby soap but they didn't let him shave. It was kind of a warning so I won't complain later that he was rough. Around 2:30pm, the kids and I were on our way to the hospital but when we got there, his papers were not done yet so we stayed in his room for a while. The surgeon came in around 5:30pm and said, "You look great, Mr. McKnight. Are you ready to go home today?" Bear nodded and said he was ready a long time ago. The surgeon told him not to carry anything more than 5lbs and turned to the kids and said "Take care of your daddy, ok?" to which the kids nodded while I smiled. Bear did look great. He looked like he lost some weight because the shirt we bought a week earlier was already lose on him but his feet were a bit swollen because his shoes were tight. So, he decided on wearing his bedtime slippers. Then, we watched a video on how to care for him when he gets home and everything else that we needed to know as far as check ups were concerned while the nurse finished his discharge papers.

At almost 7pm, the nurse had finally finished the papers and Bear signed them so we can leave. Bear told the kids we were going to watch The Hunger Games on Wednesday and they were all excited. Watching movies had been one of the many things we do on our family date nights that we missed for two weeks since he went to the hospital. I wasn't sure if he should do that so I asked the nurse if that was ok and she said he should be fine since he will just be sitting down. I felt better so I agreed to it. After leaving the hospital, we went straight to the pharmacy to order his medications. He had a total of eight and because it was already past 7pm, we decided to go to a different location than we normally go to. Thankfully, the pharmacist said his prescriptions will be ready around 9pm that night, which made me feel better knowing he will not miss any of his meds first thing in the morning. After leaving the pharmacy, we drove through McDonalds because it was fairly late and it would take a while if I had to cook. We decided on buying the Mickey D's value meal, came home, got settled and then ate. Bear already had dinner at the hospital so he was just snacking on chicken nuggets while we watched a recorded show of Big Bang Theory. It's one of the shows we record and watch together but because he was in the hospital, I waited until we can watch it together at home. At 8:50pm, Bear reminded me to pick up his meds; I got there in less than ten minutes, so I went in and bought a 7-day pill divider. When the pharmacist was ready for me, he informed me that the insurance needed more information about the type of insulin that was prescribed and because of that, they can't give him any that night. I called Bear and he decided to wait for the next day until he can call the doctor and then I went home with the rest of his meds.

I got home past 9:30pm. Bear and I pulled out the pills so we can put them into the pill organizer. Everything was ready to go for the next seven days. A few minutes later, he called the boys and told them: "I don't want you to burden your mom. Make sure you do all your chores and now that I can't do mine, you have to do mine as well." "Yes sir!," the boys said and then they went to bed. I told him not to stress on the chores, that I'll take care of them the next day. He said we had to take my car for inspection the next day because it's due in November. I told him I can do it myself but he insisted he'll go with me because those people might cheat me and charge me unnecessary fees, so I agreed that he can come.

At around 10:30pm, Bear was still sitting on the sofa waiting for me to say it's time for bed. He never goes to bed without me, so I finally said let's go to bed. He went to the bedroom by himself while I did my bedtime routine. While in bed, he had asked me to bring his meds for bedtime so I went to the living room and brought it to him when I noticed he was breathing differently. His eyes turned like that of a person who has a mental disability. I called him loudly, Bear!!! Are you ok? He snapped and his eyes were ok again, he answered me "Yes, I'm ok." I said, You scared me, Bear. Your eyes just turned weird. "I'm ok, honey." Then, he started breathing fast almost like hyperventilating. I told him I'll call 911 but he said no, they can't do anything about it. I asked him if this had happened before and he said "Yes, many times!" I remembered this is what he looked like when he had that bad pain at the ICU. I asked him if he was in pain, he said "No, just spasms". I kept telling him, I need to call 911 coz he is scaring me but he turned to his side and said "Just let me relax, honey." I called 911 and put it on speaker phone. As soon as someone answered, I yelled our address over and over until the lady finally got it. I told her my husband is having a hard time breathing. She said I need to make sure he is lying on his back and because he was laying on his side at the time, I held his back to turn him and then I saw him take his last breath. I recognized that look because I saw my mother-in-law took her last breath. I screamed, He stopped breathing!!! Please help me, help me please!!! Bear!!! Bear!!! Breath, Bear!!! The lady told me I needed to do CPR. I told her he had a cut on his chest from the bypass surgery and I didn't want to push on it. She told me to put my hands on his nipples and push on his chest as hard as I can and follow her beat. She was counting on the phone and was telling me to count while I do it so she can hear how I'm doing it. I listened to her while screaming at my husband. Bear!!!!!!!! Wake up, Bear!!! Breath, oh please breath! Don't leave me!!! Breath! Breath! I wanted to cry but no tears are coming out at this time. My focus was on the CPR and the counting. In about two minutes, I heard the ambulance. I kept doing the CPR until the paramedics came in and took over.

I told them, Please help my husband!!! One person was asking me questions and the others did whatever it was they had to do. AJ and Aiden were awake at this point probably from all the screaming that I did but Aerell remained asleep. Aiden was crying, I heard him say "Daddy is going to die and I'm not even a teenager yet." He kept repeating it over and over while he cried. I was scared but the entire time, I thought Bear had just passed out. I tried calling the bishop but his phone didn't work so I called Bro. Mather. He must have called people around because in a few minutes Bro. Griffin was at the door. This was around 11pm already, I called my sister-in-law and told her about what happened. At this time, my tears were already falling but not that much. Something within me is keeping me calm no matter how hard I tried to cry my heart out. Bro. Griffin gave Bear a blessing. I kept hearing the paramedics say "cardiac arrest". I thought to myself, isn't that a heart attack? Why is he having a heart attack? He was just released from the hospital tonight, he was well. What could cause a cardiac arrest? "I don't know, ma`am. His heart stopped and we're doing the best we can." I told Bro. Griffin I was scared but he told me to calm down because they've been working on him for over 30minutes now. He said that was a good sign. I thought, he had a point so I calmed down. At this point, I was trying to calm my kids down, I told them we need to trust in Heavenly Father because He knows best; AJ nodded but Aiden continued to cry. A few minutes later, Bro. Mather arrived and the paramedics have decided to move Bear into the ambulance.

I heard them say they'll take him to Southeast Memorial Hermann but Bro. Mather told them there's no cardiac center at that hospital and besides, Bear had his surgery at Bayshore. So, they phoned in Bayshore but then they said they were full for the night so Southeast Memorial Hermann it is! I left the kids at home with Bro. Griffin and Bro. Mather and rode with the ambulance. I asked the driver if Bear was going to be alright, the driver said "We're doing our best, ma`am". As the ambulance moved, I knew of the possibility that Bear was going to die that night but I also knew he was strong-willed and will never leave me at this time. I begged Heavenly Father not to take my Bear at this time, I asked for at least two more years just two more years. I will not be done with my bachelor's degree until the Spring of 2016 so I asked for two more years. Half-way to the hospital, I called Butch, a co-worker and a good friend of Bear, and told him what was going on. I told him I was sorry for waking him up in the middle of the night but I was just letting him know of the situation.

At the hospital, I could see the nurses and doctors were waiting by the door, they were ready to take Bear in. I got out of the ambulance and ran to them and asked them to help my husband. I was already crying at this time. A nurse escorted me to a different room while they got Bear situated in a room. A few minutes later, a female nurse came to get me and asked if I wanted to be in the room and I immediately said yes. I sat on the chair and watch them work on Bear. At this point, he was already hooked on to two monitors, I saw numbers and waves on them so I was confident he was alive. The CPR machine went on and then stopped while they checked for a pulse. I heard one said "No pulse!". All of a sudden the doctor turned to me on his knees and said "Ma`am, he hasn't had a pulse for the past hour, he's basically brain-dead". In my mind, I thought Oh my gosh, my husband is now a vegetable but he's alive so it's ok, I'll take him home, so I nodded to the doctor's statement. Everyone moved away and I heard the doctor said "12:09am!" I felt like a lightning just hit me, I just snapped, my husband is gone! No, this isn't happening! I ran to his side and told him to wake up and breath. I was crying my heart out while yelling "I'm not ready for this, he can't die. We have young kids!!!" I said no, this is not true. Wait, this must be a dream, wake me up!!! I begged the nurses, Please wake me up!!! I went on screaming the same things over and over while crying until one of the nurses told me my sister-in-law was there. I ran out of the room and told her the news. We hugged and cried together. Then, Sis. Stortz from church came and then Butch came. We can't believe it, no one can. I knew if it was Bear's choice, he would never leave me but the choice wasn't his. I remembered posting on facebook around 9pm on Tuesday that "Bear is finally home!" and no matter how you look at the situation, he is indeed back home!