loved

Today marks the 13th year of the day I first came to America. So many things went through my mind today, some made me laugh and some made me cry but above all that, I saw how much I was loved by my husband.

Soon after we got married, we talked about where we should stay to raise our family; "We can stay here in the Philippines and live like gods," he said and although it sounded promising, it wasn't what I had in mind. Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm from but I'm not proud of the way things are in the Philippines. I watched my brothers worked so hard and earn $2-3 not per hour but per day; that's not the kind of future I've envisioned for my kids. Needless to say, we decided on raising our family here in America. It took almost a year after we got married before I got here. I thought it was a long time to be apart, I didn't know I had to wait even longer to be with him for eternity.

Bear loved me and I'm sure he still does on the other side; he loved me more than anyone else in this world ever did even my own family. I mean I know my family loves me but not like Bear did. Bear would go through all kinds of trouble to protect and defend me. It was his job, he said. His main goal in life was to make me smile and he took it seriously. There was not a day that goes by without him telling me he loved me. In fact, we had this silly thing started when I said I love him and he responded with "I love you more" and being the competitive person that I am, I came back and said "I love you the most". All throughout our marriage we'd race each other to say "I love you the most" so for the longest time, the regular "I love you" was replaced with "I love you the most." Bear was just as competitive as I am so one time at church when I just first got here, he was asked to do a talk for sacrament meeting. I can't remember what the talk was about because all I remember is that he ended it with "I love you the most" referring to me of course, which meant he won that day because there was no way I could respond. That silly man but I truly love him the most too.

Bear's love for me was not all about talk, he lived it every single day of his latter years. After we were married, I had to get off of a scholarship that I had availed in college. I thought I was being nice by deciding to get off of it so others can use the help that I no longer need because as my husband, Bear already took care of all my financial needs. The college did not take it the way I had pictured. They took it as a breach of contract and therefore as punishment, asked me to pay all the tuition fees I had incurred since freshmen. I was already in my senior year at this point so you can imagine the burden but the college probably thought, "Well, she's married to an American; he's got money." Bear was not rich but he could have paid it if he wanted to, but then Bear was not about to give in on that fight. He wrote the college a letter and even threatened to get the archbishop of Galveston, who he personally knew from working at the bishop's palace for an automation job, to get involved since it was a catholic college which was also ran by the archdiocese of the local city. To make a long story short, the college took the punishment off and left me alone. Bear stood up for me. No one has ever done that for me in my entire existence on earth, no one but Bear. Families, distant relatives, neighbors, friends, colleagues, everybody and I mean everybody knew that I now have a shield, a protector and therefore no one can harm me. Bear was the type of man who would take a bullet for me. No one disrespects me where I or Bear can hear it coz they know they'll get a piece of his mind.

Bear married me knowing I was so broken but he didn't tell me he knew that until we were married years later. My self-esteem was down to the floor and even though others might say I was "gutsy," my low esteem was as clear as daylight. I remember when we first met at the airport in Manila (capital of the Philippines); my cousin who I later found out had a hidden desire for my fiance, did a lot of the talking. Bear held my hand but I just stood there because I didn't know if he was still interested in me now that he had seen me face to face. Bear seemed to have a telepathic power over me because he seemed to know what I was feeling and immediately he told me, "Honey, you are gorgeous!" I smiled and my world changed for the better. Poor cousin was not a happy camper but that'll be for another story. My low self-esteem did not get fixed on day 1 though. Bear just like most men is a fixer, he told me so. He thought he could fix me; he tried every single day. He spent every day of our married life telling me, how great I am, how beautiful I am, how awesome I am, how smart I am and everything nice. He even thought I was sexy even though I never had a perfect body but I guess every husband does that. I never took his compliments seriously. I was raised in a society where looking like their own is considered ugly. I spent 20 years of my life in that environment; how can all those years be reversed with compliments? I would usually just say, "oh I know you say those things coz I'm your wife, every husband does that to their wives." "So, you think I'd travel halfway around the world to marry an ugly and stupid girl?", he'd say. I have no answer for that. I always thought Bear was a very smart guy, his words always made sense and he didn't just talk for the sake of talking or impressing. It's one of the many reasons why I married him. I wanted to be a "smart choice" and for that to happen, I had to marry a smart man. He was my best friend, we could talk about anything and everything under the sun. We would spend hours and hours of talking until it's already 2am. Oh how I miss those talks. We didn't have secrets, he knew every dirty little secret I've had and I know his as well. Bear always knew what to say too. Every time I get depressed because so and so did or said something to hurt my feelings, he always knew what to say to make me feel better. He taught me how to fight back and stand for myself. After we got married, he told me, "McKnight means from the family of the brave, you are now a McKnight which means you are brave." I believe he told me that to build up my confidence but I didn't really care what it means, I simply love it and I was so excited to change my name and vowed to never change it ever.

A couple of years ago, Bear finally found the solution on how to "fix" me. He found Pathways through Butch, a co-worker. Pathways has helped me a lot and although I wouldn't say I'm 100% fixed since I'm a daily work in progress, Pathways did help me find out who I truly am besides being a child of God and gave me tools that help me deal with the daily struggles of life. I met so many wonderful people who love me even after knowing all the ugly things in my closet (I love you 298!). I am grateful for Pathways and the things it has done for me because without it, I wouldn't be as sturdy as I am right now. Aside from Pathways, Bear had always prepared me for this event since the day we got married. "Honey, you need to finish a degree, it doesn't matter what; just finish something so that if something happens to me, you can take care of yourself and the kids we might have." So, when I came to America, he immediately took me out to learn how to drive but with the combination of low esteem, low confidence and being a scaredy-cat, that was next to impossible. He didn't quit on me though, he never quit on me. Found me a private driving teacher and eventually, I learned how to drive. Now, taking the driving test to get my driver's license was another story. It took me 9 years since the day I arrived in America to get my driver's license. Bear was the happiest person when I finally got it. He knew I was off to start working on our dreams and going back to college was first in line but that didn't happen easily coz I can't drive on the freeways until I went to Pathways. My confidence and self-esteem got a boost and no one has stopped me ever since. My only regret is that I wish I listened to Bear earlier. When I first got here, I was comfortable of the life he gave me. I was happy to be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of my life and leave my other dreams behind. Bear took care of the family so well, we didn't really need another income but he would always remind me every day to go back to school; "get a degree so that if something happens to me...", was his famous line.

Bear didn't just prepare me for temporal needs, he also helped me grow spiritually and introduced me to the true gospel of Jesus Christ. His testimony of the church and the gospel was evident in the way he lived his life. The church was the only thing he was not willing to give up for me and I am so grateful for that. When I first joined the church, I didn't really feel like I've converted, I felt so out of place but my prayers told me I was in the right place so I stayed and went to church as a family every Sunday. My callings in the church, my own testimonies and the testimonies of others and the willingness of each member to serve others helped my heart to change. I remember Bear told me a few months ago, "I didn't think you were going to be strong in the church. I actually thought we'll be going to different churches on Sundays." Bear never forced me to do anything, he invited me to check out the church and learn what it's about but never made it a rule of some kind. Bear's passing has strengthened my faith. I remember when he was pronounced dead at the hospital, I cried "Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, how am I supposed to be grateful for this?" I was not mad at God; I know we're all going to go some day. I know I am blessed too, very blessed but when something so big such as death happens, all the good things get overshadowed by the negative. I remember coming home that morning. Bro. Mather and Bro. Griffin had already cleaned up Bear's blood on the living room floor. As soon as daylight shined through, different sisters from the church came through my door almost every hour, gave me hugs and comfort, brought me food, cleaned up the mess around the house and stayed over the night to keep me company not to mention the Bishop and Pres. Castillo who were there that night to give me and the kids priesthood blessings. The church has been my family. I know Heavenly Father loves me but I feel His love the strongest at this time through the love and service of the many people everywhere who have reached out to me. The next day, my sister-in-law took me and the kids to my brother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving dinner. That morning, AJ found a big brown envelope on our mailbox. I was surprised to see that because it was a holiday. It might have came in the day before but it doesn't matter because what mattered was what's inside of it. It was our sealing certificate from the temple. Right then, I knew Heavenly Father answered my question "What am I supposed to be grateful for this?" I should be grateful for eternal families! While still in the hospital, Bear told me, "It doesn't really matter what will happen to me here, we're sealed now." That certificate was to remind me of that. Honestly, I didn't know there was going to be a certificate when we got sealed but I also wondered why it took so long to mail it. I believe it came that day because it was the day when I needed it the most.

Now that Bear is no longer here physically, some of you might think I'm defenseless and therefore, weak. Bear did not go through all that trouble to teach me everything from confidence to defending myself and loving my enemies if he knew I wouldn't make an A on it. Bear's efforts will not be wasted. He was a great teacher; I may have been a stubborn student but I'm smart. I learned from the best and I'll make him proud.

I love you the most, Bear!!!