personal revelations

I could write more about my grieving heart and all the painful things that Bear's passing has brought into my life but I prefer not to. I want this journal to be filled with all the wonderful memories Bear had left me and the kids but before I do so, I want to share a couple of significant things that I want my kids and the future generations to know and understand. At this time, AJ is the only one who seem to grasp it a bit so my hope is that one day, the rest of his brothers will understand it as well.

Some time earlier this year, I had a dream. It was very calm, peaceful, wonderful and all the positive adjectives you can think of may be inserted here. In this dream, Bear and I were in heaven with Heavenly Father. I can't tell you or describe to you what heaven looked like because I can't remember what it looked like, all I remembered are the wonderful feelings I felt while I was there. I can't describe to you what Heavenly Father looked like either but I knew He had a body because I felt and heard Him. In this dream, Bear and I along with Heavenly Father were having a tour of heaven. We were happy, smiling, enjoying each other's company and most of all full of love. All of a sudden, the scenery changed. I felt the ground so I knew we were on earth, all three of us. Then, Heavenly Father turned to my husband and said, "I need you to go back up there to do this..." I don't know what it was he had to do but I remember saying, "but I'll be by myself." There was a conversation and then I said "OK" without complaints, worries nor violent reactions. When I woke up, I realized what my dream could mean so I woke Bear up and told him everything about it. He told me, "So you think I'm gonna die, huh! Go back to sleep, honey. I'm going to outlive you." I went back to sleep and didn't think about that dream ever again.

Fast forward on the day after Bear had his surgery, November 19, 2014: When I visited him that afternoon, he told me he had a vision. I didn't understand what he meant by a vision. At first I thought he was dreaming but he told me he was awake, sitting on his chair. He said he just saw it like a movie strip right in front of him. I can't really explain the extent of his experience too well because I didn't ask him to describe further how he saw this vision. Anyway, he said he saw a white bed with leather. I was trying to figure out what kind of bed matched his description because our bed at home does not have leather. He told me it was very comfortable and he didn't want to look at it more closely because he was afraid he'll get too comfortable and might not want to get out of it. I asked him why that would be a problem and he said because it was his deathbed. As soon as he mentioned deathbed, I was scared of the thought that he could die so I asked the nurses and the surgeon that day if his readings were fine, if there were signs of complications or if the pains he was experiencing were normal for heart patients like him. They all said there was nothing to worry about and everything looked great, so I brushed it off. The next day when I came to visit him again, he grabbed my arm and told me of his vision again. I asked him if it was the same as the one he had the day before and he said, "Kinda" so he got my attention. He said he was standing in a room and he saw himself surrounded by people wearing black. "It scared me", he said. I asked him why and he said, "Coz why are the people wearing black?" It kind of scared me a bit as well but I didn't asked him further because at that time I was convinced that he was hallucinating. He hasn't had enough sleep for two nights and had three shots of morphine the day before in addition to the heavy dosage of sedatives they gave him to knock him out for the operation. In my mind, he was too drugged to really know the difference so, I didn't think about that vision ever again.

Fast forward again to the day of his passing, November 26, 2014: Bear was pronounced expired at 12:09am at the emergency room of the Southeast Memorial Hermann Hospital. I stayed there until past 5am. I honestly did not want to leave him but I thought the kids will be waking up soon and I had to be there before they wake up so I can tell them what happened. As my sister-in-law and I got out of the room through the curtains, I looked around and realized that everyone was wearing black. My sister-in-law asked the nurses if it was their regular uniform and they said it was. I haven't noticed this at Bayshore. I remembered the nurses there had different colored uniforms depending on where they were assigned. So, why didn't I notice this when I first got there? I don't know but at 5am, I did and Bear's vision came back to me and right then, I realized what it all meant. He had a vision of his passing, he saw himself at the emergency room surrounded by the people wearing black a.k.a. the ER nurses, doctor and paramedics. The white bed with leather I'm not sure of but I think it was the ambulance stretcher.

Later that day when I got home and started telling everyone about Bear's vision, I remembered my dream and although I was so heartbroken, these two things gave me peace. I realized that Heavenly Father had given me notice earlier this year that something big and important was about to happen and although it will be hard and painful, He reminded me that I agreed to this when it was presented to me and that He needed Bear up there to perform an important calling. Bear's vision made me realize that his passing was the way Heavenly Father had planned all along and there was nothing I nor anyone else could have done to prevent it. For the first week of his passing and every now and then, I replay in my head how all of that happened and wondered what I could have done to prevent him from dying. I torture myself with all the ifs, could haves and should haves but all I could really do is cry. If I understood my dream and Bear's visions, how could I prepare myself for my soul-mate's death both emotionally and financially? It's just not possible that I could finish school this year and there is no way anyone can be prepared emotionally for a loved one's death. I believe the reasons for those two were simply to give me comfort and peace at this time.

Bear used to tell me and the kids that when it's his time to go, we shouldn't cry or be sad because he will be in a happy place. I am not sad for him, I am sad for myself because losing him is losing half of myself. I am so grateful that we got the chance to be sealed in the temple for time and eternity because I know one day, we'll be together again and we'll pick up where we left off minus all the earthly worries of course but until then, I will be reminiscing all the wonderful memories he has left me with.