thoughts

I haven’t made an entry in a long time; if Bear was here I would say a lot had happened since then but the fact remains that he’s no longer here and although a lot of days had passed, I feel like I haven’t done anything. Other than making sure the kids get to school every day on time, making sure homework gets done, helping AJ finish his science project and watching 78 episodes of an Australian series about teenage mermaids on Netflix, I don’t think I’ve done anything productive at all. Since Bear passed, I got into a bad habit of going to bed at 2am, which means I waste a lot of time during the day sleeping. I have got to snap out of it or I’ll be in big trouble next week when I go back to school to start the spring semester. I actually look forward to go back to school because there I can be busy and it gives my head something new to think about. When I’m doing things and talking to people, I don’t notice the hole as much; I feel like Bear is just at work and will be home at the end of the day. I don’t know how long that’s going to last but for now it’s not a bad thing at all.

People ask me all the time how I’m doing; it’s not easy to answer at times because if I have to be honest no one really has all the time in the world to listen. It’s hard to explain; most of the time I don’t feel anything at all. I think sometimes, I forget that Bear’s not here anymore and then when I realize he’s never coming through that door ever again, sadness hits me. I miss him so bad, I miss everything about him: his touch, his smell, his voice, that silly smile on his face, an extremely contagious laughter that fills every room of the house and those beautiful brown eyes and the way they look at me. I could never look at them long enough coz each time I do; I’d melt into a puddle. 

Nothing is the same since Bear passed. I actually feel like somehow I stepped into the twilight zone or perhaps I got zapped into a parallel dimension; everything looks familiar but nothing looks the same even the color of sunshine on a bright day. Of course that’s no question; the person that gives sunshine that familiar glow is no longer here. Nothing will ever be the same again and right now, that’s almost impossible to get used to. 

I’m not always sad though, I know he is in a better place and is doing what he loves to do—teaching the gospel in the spirit world. The knowledge of the gospel really does give my grieving heart comfort. I recently found his patriarchal blessing and I truly found comfort in that. The entire time we were married, I have no idea why it never occurred to me to read it. He talked about it so many times and particularly three very important things. Somehow, sharing it with me was enough for me. He offered to have me read it quite a few times but for some reason it didn’t spark any interest in me. I didn’t know where he kept it but I got an inspiration on where to look. I guess he was kind of guiding me to its location. It wasn’t the place I had in mind to look but sure enough, I found it. Bear’s patriarchal blessing was given in March of 1979, which means I wasn’t even born yet but it amazes me how much it talked about him and me and how it talked about his passing. I believe I wasn’t supposed to read it before he passed or things would have played differently. It does strengthen my faith in the gospel and it gave me reason to be happy for Bear and to look forward to the day of our reunion with enthusiasm.  

I know the kids and I will be fine even though I don't feel that way now. I have faith in the Lord and so does Bear. I know it was easy for him to say yes when he got called home because he believes that if it's Heavenly Father's will, He'll make sure that the kids and I will be alright.

I miss you Bear and I love you the most! I may not be the happiest right now but I truly am the luckiest and the most blessed! Till we meet again...