thoughts

I haven’t made an entry in a long time; if Bear was here I would say a lot had happened since then but the fact remains that he’s no longer here and although a lot of days had passed, I feel like I haven’t done anything. Other than making sure the kids get to school every day on time, making sure homework gets done, helping AJ finish his science project and watching 78 episodes of an Australian series about teenage mermaids on Netflix, I don’t think I’ve done anything productive at all. Since Bear passed, I got into a bad habit of going to bed at 2am, which means I waste a lot of time during the day sleeping. I have got to snap out of it or I’ll be in big trouble next week when I go back to school to start the spring semester. I actually look forward to go back to school because there I can be busy and it gives my head something new to think about. When I’m doing things and talking to people, I don’t notice the hole as much; I feel like Bear is just at work and will be home at the end of the day. I don’t know how long that’s going to last but for now it’s not a bad thing at all.

People ask me all the time how I’m doing; it’s not easy to answer at times because if I have to be honest no one really has all the time in the world to listen. It’s hard to explain; most of the time I don’t feel anything at all. I think sometimes, I forget that Bear’s not here anymore and then when I realize he’s never coming through that door ever again, sadness hits me. I miss him so bad, I miss everything about him: his touch, his smell, his voice, that silly smile on his face, an extremely contagious laughter that fills every room of the house and those beautiful brown eyes and the way they look at me. I could never look at them long enough coz each time I do; I’d melt into a puddle. 

Nothing is the same since Bear passed. I actually feel like somehow I stepped into the twilight zone or perhaps I got zapped into a parallel dimension; everything looks familiar but nothing looks the same even the color of sunshine on a bright day. Of course that’s no question; the person that gives sunshine that familiar glow is no longer here. Nothing will ever be the same again and right now, that’s almost impossible to get used to. 

I’m not always sad though, I know he is in a better place and is doing what he loves to do—teaching the gospel in the spirit world. The knowledge of the gospel really does give my grieving heart comfort. I recently found his patriarchal blessing and I truly found comfort in that. The entire time we were married, I have no idea why it never occurred to me to read it. He talked about it so many times and particularly three very important things. Somehow, sharing it with me was enough for me. He offered to have me read it quite a few times but for some reason it didn’t spark any interest in me. I didn’t know where he kept it but I got an inspiration on where to look. I guess he was kind of guiding me to its location. It wasn’t the place I had in mind to look but sure enough, I found it. Bear’s patriarchal blessing was given in March of 1979, which means I wasn’t even born yet but it amazes me how much it talked about him and me and how it talked about his passing. I believe I wasn’t supposed to read it before he passed or things would have played differently. It does strengthen my faith in the gospel and it gave me reason to be happy for Bear and to look forward to the day of our reunion with enthusiasm.  

I know the kids and I will be fine even though I don't feel that way now. I have faith in the Lord and so does Bear. I know it was easy for him to say yes when he got called home because he believes that if it's Heavenly Father's will, He'll make sure that the kids and I will be alright.

I miss you Bear and I love you the most! I may not be the happiest right now but I truly am the luckiest and the most blessed! Till we meet again...

A Bear Finds Honey in Davao: Chapter 5 (Conclusion)

The following is a copy of Bear's side of our story as copied from the archives of Planet-Love.com. It has not been edited in any way including spelling. Thank you Planet-Love for keeping these throughout the years!
 
I think the first thing to talk about has to be the attack placed on me because of falling in love with Marissa before an actual meeting occurred.  Many of the Planet-love patrons really hassled me for that.  I think far too many guys think there is some specific procedure for falling in love; or that even some type of magic that occurs.  I do not.  I think that the most important three things in the beginning of your relationship is your 1) willingness to commit 100%, 2) how much you are interested (whether physical attraction or intellect) in that person and 3) your belief in Heavenly Father and prayer.  I knew Marissa was the right one almost immediately because, and I know you’ll think I’m crazy, but a little voice said in my head “she's the one”.  I was writing 14 other girls and several were looking pretty good – one trying very hard to be the one I choose and one that was a nut case that I thought at one point would be the one.  But Marissa, I knew instantly before we had even chatted.  It wasn’t magic or anything so unbelievable; it was Heavenly Father’s intent.

I think one of the reasons for my ignorance in trying to breakup with her during the “Foolish Girl” post was that I hadn’t prayed about it.  I had stopped writing all the other girls and made some commitments to Marissa but I hadn’t prayed about us.  I was under a lot of pressure from the government sources to act and a lot from family and church members to re-unite with my ex-wife.  I was very confused.  So I prayed.  It was kinda silly actually but I prayed for a song.  And I had just told my “ex” that all the years she hadn’t given me birthday or Christmas presents that a song would have been enough.  I really expected that maybe some birthday in the future some girl would sing me Happy Birthday and that would be it.  Marissa sang a song to me two minutes after that prayer.  I was in shock and every hair on my body was standing up.  I knew I was being answered.  But to make the answer even more powerful Marissa had just got through praying that if I were the right guy for her I would call her ‘right then’.  She was so ecstatic when I called she offered to sing me a song.  Why is this so odd, I am usually in church at this time and it is highly unlikely that this event would have occurred?  But my roommate got sick and I stayed home to watch him – he had been throwing up all over the place.  Once he went to sleep I was bored and thought I’d call Marissa.  That’s when we both knew at the same time from two different prayers.  It was confirmed over and over many times in the next 7 months. 

We learned a lot about each other and became extremely close.  There were so many times when she was hurt by the honesty I promised her but she appreciated the fact that I told her everything and honored her opinion.  Fellas if she said NO, I didn’t/don’t do it and visa-versa.  I think this helped each other see the commitment we were giving to each other.

I also was amazed that we could pray and fast together.  Every single problem we had was reconciled by prayer and fasting and in every case to our complete satisfaction.  I was amazed how all of a sudden the “Murphy’s Law” syndrome had left me.  Everything went my/our way without a hitch.  We both learned complete faith in our prayers and fasting.

Okay so what did go wrong?  The Honeymoon.  Yeah that’s right.  I let Marissa handle everything else but the Honeymoon and she did it expertly once organized.  It took longer than she planned but she made the wedding one of the happiest days of my life. My room the government papers and required events, meetings with her family and church members, everything handled as wonderfully as you can imagine.

But the Honeymoon trip.  I purchased my tickets through Ron Perry and paid a very high charge for them.  Admittedly he told me that it was high because I ordered late and it was the Christmas Holidays so I understood and reasoned it to my not planning far enough ahead.  A week after paying for the tickets Asia Air Fare, who had lost my e-mail address found it and said that they could get me tickets at the $650-750 price range ‘right then’.  Even at that my roommate paid for the trip as a wedding gift.  So it really didn’t hurt me at all.  Included in the trip was one free week at Virgin Beach Resort.  Great I thought.  I handled the honeymoon.  Normal first class business class roundtrip on PAL is $1100.  I paid $2150.  Seemed reasonable to me since the honeymoon at VBR was included.

Then when we confirmed the reservations we were told that we had to find a way to Bogota on our own, usually by bus at the PCBL (Philippine Cebu Bus Line) terminal and that it would take 3 hours because it was about a100 kilometers away.  Bus fare was only P78 each one way.  Immediately on arriving at airport the cab driver said that he would drive us for P1600 and take less time and that it would be safer with all the hijackings and holdups?  Marissa was afraid so I thought that was acceptable for the distance and I took his offer – even scheduled him back out to pick us up when we were to leave.  On the way to VBR we stopped at a filthy roadside place to eat and like an idiot, I ate there.  2 days later I was begging for Imodium AD and spent 1-½ days of the honeymoon sleeping and trying to recover.  I found out later that is P600 more than the normal charge.

When we got to Bogota a jeepney from Virgin Beach Resort that the shocks had been welded solid on picked us up.  I should have known there was a problem.  At the resort I was informed at the desk that A/C was P500/day extra and that drinks for the meals were P200/meal/person extra.  That totaled out to P1700/day more than the $1050 I had already paid.  Marissa was quiet but complained to me privately that the charges were very high.  I think she was trying not to embarrass me because this was my part of the trip.  She was right though.  I stayed at Marbella Mansion for P650/day and it included hot water, cable TV, phone, free breakfast and other amenities.  None of this was available at Virgin Beach Resort.  In addition Marissa and I had been eating on P400/day for the previous two weeks I had been there.  So they were charging me P700 more than I had been spending daily as extras and I had already given them $1050 (thats P52500) to cover everything.  Honestly you should have been able to live in the Phils for 2 months on that much money.  The best recreation they could do was allowing you to use videos from their pirated collections.  Now don’t get me wrong, Virgin Beach was gorgeous.  Beautiful blue water.  They had a nice swimming pool and excellent food with very American sized portions.  But there were no other amenities available like boating, fishing, skin-diving or any other activities period.  The beach was hard rock and to get to the sand you hand to walk out about 150-200 feet.  I think two days is the most anyone can stay there because there was nothing to do.  Plus I got sick.

Marissa and I realized that this wasn’t what we had in mind.  To sit and do videoke and watch videos for 7 days so after the 3rd day we left and went back to Cebu and had a wonderful time.  And saved money from the P1700/day they had been charging us to about P1100/day with more comfort attractions and things to do.  Since we left before the scheduled cab return we took the bus.  It was a much more comfortable ride and we stopped at a legitimate restaurant.

A lot of concerns never occurred like kidnappings, pick-pockets, hijackings, flagrant cheating and angry individuals that just wanted to see if I could defend myself (shucks!).  Marissa cared for me like a newborn babe.  At one point, on Christmas night when we were trying to light the fireworks I bought she latched on to me like the anchor of the Titanic.  Absolutely refused to let me light any of the fireworks because I might get hurt.  It so impressed me that she intended to take care of me that I back off so that she would feel at ease. 

Marissa is easy to tease and very ticklish.  Once her parents had caused her to screw up her cell phone by telling her to put a “pin” number in it.   This caused her to lock up the cell phone chip, which caused me to have to purchase another cell phone chip.  She told her parents that I told her I would punish her for being so thoughtless.  Her mother was livid and Marissa could hardly hold her smile because when they asked how I would punish her, she said. “He’s going to tickle me!”  I love to tease her though and I think she likes it too.  She says that she thinks her whole life will be filled with laughter and happiness.  I cannot imagine a life that I would not more want to be a part of.

Manila was what I expected after comparing it to seeing Davao and Cebu.  Still it was quite new to me. The Malls were very Americanized but prices were easily 1/4th ours.  The main malls were Shoe-Mart, Ayala’s and Glorietta’s.  Shoe-Mart seemed like a Wal-Mart clone.  The Glorietta’s mall in Manila was magnificent.

Traffic was unbelievable.  I just cannot understand how the authorities can allow that free-for-all type driving to continue.  I saw so many potential disasters I had to constantly make fun of the drivers to keep from screaming.  Ask Marissa.  I went around all day long going  “Beep, Beep!!” 

I guess even expecting it I was the most surprised at the poverty, pollution and obvious signs of the 1997 economic crisis.  We have poor people in Houston living under the freeway bridges and so forth, but it is clear that most of those people want to live there.  The economy is great here and anyone who wants a job can get one.  But in Manila it’s very different.  They literally build cardboard houses on the sidewalks and beg in the streets.  The 30 or so incomplete multi-story buildings that are just husks still haunt me.  It is like a nuclear bomb went off.  I saw smaller examples of that in Davao and Cebu but nothing near the scale of Manila.  Millions of dollars had to have been lost and probably millions of jobs as well.

The Embassy was not what I expected either but I really didn’t know what to expect.  Let me tell you guys that if you want a “Legal Capacity to Marry” you had better be there by 7 AM and get a “number” from the 'right group' or they will say “See you tomorrow” without a flinch.  I watched it happen to 4 couples. 

The airport was easier to get around in than I expected since they had completed the new PAL terminal with both International and Domestic flights arriving at the same terminal. Davao was hot and humid.  Especially in the nighttime when the sun went down and the wind (what little of it there was) stopped blowing.  I think I was actually more acclimated to the humid weather than Marissa because I was willing to get out in it and 'go' where she wanted to stay in or ride.  There were times when we rode a cab 3 blocks!  I think she will find Houston, with the exception of our having a winter, quite like Davao just 20 degrees hotter. 

In Davao the girls outnumber the guys – period.  There is nothing else I can say about that.  I estimate it at 5 or 6 to one.  The people in Davao are very poor.  I do not think they know.  There are wonderful places there to go.  Paradise Island and Hilltop are two.  They also have some great beaches and I am surprised that there are not more resorts there.  The traffic in Davao makes the traffic in Manila seem tame.  I still am in shock that when someone goes to turn right others will pass him on the right.  When you stop just inches away from an accident you have to wait for all the others passing the whole situation on the right.  Sheesh?  Jeepneys in Manila and Davao are hot, uncomfortable, colorful, cheap and everywhere.  And when you can’t find one of those the “tricycles” take over.  Have you ever seen what happens to a 100cc motor bike that carries 4 people, two being 200 pound plus Americans?   And they wonder why they have so much pollution.  They literally drive these things till they fall apart.

Cebu was wonderful.  Warm yet comfortable.  Traffic lights and mostly drivers who obeyed the traffic laws.  Lots of sights and places to go.  Lots of incredibly beautiful blue water and hills to climb.  I think that if when I do retire in the P.I.s that it will have to be in a place like Cebu if not Cebu.

I think another thing that surprises me is the fact that there are literally hundreds, if not thousands of islands in the Philippines, in a climate that is very hot and humid, yet less than 30% of the people know how to swim or even venture out into the water. What is up there?

This is clearly the best thing I’ve ever done.  I truly love Marissa and I know beyond all doubt that she loves me too.  I’m sure as with all things in life there will be negatives but I think with her arms around me I won’t care much at all.

A Bear Finds Honey in Davao: Chapter 4 (Wedding)

The following is a copy of Bear's side of our story as copied from the archives of Planet-Love.com. The words have not been altered in any way including spelling. However, I added some photos since this is a special day.
 
The wedding was incredible.  Marissa and I spent days preparing for it.  Funny way to spend the first few weeks you are with someone – preparing for a wedding but that was the way it worked out.
I guess the wedding needs to start out with the sponsors.  Catholic traditions in the P.I.s require that members of the community sponsor you or support you in your marriage so that it have a better chance of success.  Due to the problem of PDA’s we had some problems getting started on meeting the sponsors.  So that once the wedding site was determined I decided to have a big 'Sponsors Party' for all the sponsors so that we could meet them and get their approval instead of going to each ones house and meeting them individually.  All ten sponsors, Marissa’s parents, Paul and Anna, and Marissa and I went to a restaurant called Molave for dinner.

I actually got Marissa to wear a dress and I bought matching shirt and pants to compliment her outfit.  Everyone was saying 'Gwapo (handsome)' and 'Maganda (pretty)' to Marissa and I.  I was surprise when we got there I told everyone to order from the menu and it would be covered.  I had a momentary pause at my generosity but then thought how much could it cost we were in the P.I.s.   Since the next day was Marissa’s father’s birthday we surprised him with a birthday cake and a candle on it (my idea like they do here in the states).  He was very honored that we honored him in front of such pillars of the community, the sponsors. 
Everyone was happy and the party a big success.  When it was all over I paid an equivalent of $26 noting that 14 of the 16 participants had steak.  Everyone thought the idea for a Sponsors Party was a stroke of genius that cleared up 5 days work in 2 hours.  

I thought I’d be on a limited budget so I had Marissa get me an estimate of the costs so I’d know how much to bring and how much to allow her to spend on the wedding.  She worked very hard to keep the cost under control and did much of the work herself.   I am truly impressed with her abilities and determinations.  I think that once organized she is a force to be recognized.  I even brought her a planner from the USA to help her stay organized.  We used the Franklin Planner technique to keep things organized.  That is where you list everything you need to do on a sheet of paper then put an 'A' by the things you had to do today.  A 'B' by the things you would like to get done today and a 'C' by the things that are left.  You then put numbers by the things in the 'A' group ending up with an 'A1' by the first thing you need to do and so on.

I was somewhat concerned about the wedding dress and rings because they had to be ordered before I got there and that meant that her parents had to allow her to begin to prepare for a wedding even though she and they had not been asked yet.  She also had to get all the bridesmaids and groomsmen to be fitted as well.  All this was before I asked formally for her hand in marriage.  BTW, she refused to consider a marriage request over the computer or on the phone – it had to be in person.  And as I said in chapter 2, I really didn’t ask her it just happened.  I felt pretty guilty about this so I did find the time to get on my knee and ask her.  At first I teased her and said I wasn’t going to ask I was just going to marry her but then I did and she answered 'yes'.

Marissa and I got the paper for the invitations at the National Book Store at Glorietta Mall and then took the paper out to the printers to be printed.  When we got there Marissa said, “Write our vows!”  I was in shock!  I was expected to come up with wedding vows “off the cuff” in a matter of minutes as well as a “thank you” to our parents.  Talk about pressure.  I pleaded for a few weeks but we only had minutes.  So this is it…..

We know each other.  We have for eternities untold.
But each day we seek each other anew
Our love magnifying and edifying each other
Providing, protecting and encouraging
Lifting our hearts in service to each other
May all be blessed with love as the love we have for each other.

And the Thank you for the parents.

We thank you for the life you have given us
Strong and firm but always loving
You have always been there
We praise our heavenly Father for you
And will endeavor to raise our family with the example you have given.

The invitations had a very nice aroma – I think it was lavender.  Everyone who was to participate in the wedding was mentioned on the invitation.  It included all the sponsors, bride maids, groomsmen, best man, maid of honor, parents (living and deceased), and any participants such as the flower girls and ring bearers.  I even had her add at the bottom “and a special thanks to the guys at www(dot)planet-love(dot)com”.  I was surprise at how the invitations were distributed.  Not mailed like here in the States but literally handed out.  Of course with such short notice and the fact that the wedding was on a national religious holiday a lot of people who would have come were not notified.  Many of her friends from school.  Even so we had a very good turnout.

The church was a whole story of its own.  Our chaperone got us booted from it for “PDA’s”.  Then we managed to get that corrected by my apologizing to everyone for not understanding the consequences of  “PDA’s”.  The because I am LDS and she was Catholic we were refused again only to get a call after we arranged to be married at a reception hall of the hotel that the priest changed his mind.  The church was on the grounds of one of the police compounds so I think we were all pretty well protected. The church was completely opened to the outside and had no “aircon” but there were lots of fans.  It was somewhat circular in shape.

The reception was at “Orange Grove Hotel”.  It was pretty near the church so I suspect that it was the reason that it was picked.  At first I was pretty pleased with their costs and preparation but in the end they forgot to give us the registration book and doubled our charges for “extras”.  I got the largest suite/room for the honeymoon and I am glad I did because there were probably 25 people in it at one point.  Half the people who were to participate in the wedding I think showed up and took a shower there.  The make-up was also done for all the girls and I was allowed to get dressed there as well.  Privacy?  What’s that?

The flowers took several trips to the mall to arrange because we were constantly having to change were the wedding was going to be held.  Marissa and most other Filipinas like roses.  Their country is flooded with orchids that are exotic and rare to us here but to them they don’t see roses and they want roses.  Marissa’s bouquet was a combination of white pink red and yellow roses.  It was very beautiful.  All the guys wore pink/purple orchids and the church and reception halls were decorated with roses.

The cake was the most beautiful I have ever seen.  It was truly a work of art.  Many layers put into a sweeping design that covered the whole table.  I hope I can show some pictures of this awesome cake but I am not sure yet.  My camera ran out of film and I have to get the wedding pictures scanned.
Pictures!  Did I say pictures!  There were so many people taking pictures I wondered where they came from and why?  Paul and James (another Mag-anaker) took pictures.  The official photographer and the video maker also.  But there were at least two other photographers taking pictures that we didn’t recognize.  As we were leaving the reception I noticed a table with pictures on it from the wedding.  I was thrilled because I was able to get pictures of the wedding that I brought home with me.  Marissa and I didn’t know the guy who took the pictures but I think he must have been part of the hotel.

The rings were 18c gold and very well done.  They were made by one of Marissa’s teachers.  Each had our names engraved in it.  There were no engagement rings only wedding bands and they are generally kept pretty simple.  Ours had some pretty nice designs engraved on them.

We rented a car and a van to move the wedding party around.  I first used it to go to the chapel and await the bride then Marissa’s parents used it to come to the church then Marissa used it to come last of course (always late –lol).  The van was used to take every one back to the hotel and then after the reception to another reception at her parent’s house.  The car was decorated with flowers just as the church and reception hall – everything in pink roses.  The drivers cheated me out of 400 pesos at the end and if they hadn’t I probably would have given it to them for a tip but that’s what they got.
The only mistake we made was the candles.  We forgot to order new ones for the front of the church.  Hey if it wasn’t on my list how would I know?

The Hotel, Orange Grove actually did a great job with the exception of leaving out the registration book. Plus they charged me for tables to hold the lechon we bought for the event.
I think I never smiled so much as I did at the wedding.  I was just incredibly happy.  Everything was just plain wonderful.  I talked with everyone and was surprised that so many “Mag-anakers” showed up.  I credit that to Paul and Anna letting them all know.

When Marissa showed up (late as usual – but only 25 minutes) I was just having the best high of my life.  The weather was hot and humid but the fans made it more than bearable.  The decorations were very appropriate and stunning. 

First Paul lead the way then me.  From the front of the church I could see all that was happening.  I watched the sponsors all come in and take their seats of honor on the first rows.  Then the bridesmaids and grooms came in followed by the flower girls and ring bearers (several of the younger kids where assisted – isn’t it cute!!). I saw Em and Paul over on the grooms side hugging and I then turned and saw Marissa coming down the aisle with her father.
Her dress was gorgeous in white and pink with her bouquet of roses.  The veil and gown trail went half way down the aisle and it took several girls to assist in moving it around.  Gossssh she always says.  She was so beautiful.  She looked up at me and said “What?”  I couldn’t stop looking at her.  I think she looked up at me several times and said “What?” trying to figure out that smile I had on my face.  It really was the most beautiful site I had ever seen in my whole life.

The wedding went very smoothly with the only mistake being I had to be told to put Marissa’s father’s hand to my forehead – hey we didn’t practice the wedding the night before.  When the ceremony neared completion and we would be allowed to kiss I looked at Marissa and she begged me not to kiss her too long.  I told her that we were going to have our first argument at the altar on how long we could kiss and said I’d kiss her for a count of ten.  She frowned and I said okay 3 – she smiled.  We then kissed. 

Then came the picture taking and paper signing.  All the sponsors and participants had to sign as well as Marissa and I.  I think we took 3 dozen poses from the altar with everyone who attended the wedding.  But it was okay my smile never waned and neither did hers – we were clearly very happy.  Finally we were told to be the last to return to the reception hall/hotel.  It was funny everyone left the wedding then we did? When we got to the reception hall we had to wait downstairs for a few minutes because most of the people had not gone to the reception hall yet but had waited out front to meet and congratulate us.  We had to encourage then to hurry up to the reception so we could “arrive”.

Upon entering Marissa got a big surprise!  Each of the five bridesmaids/groomsmen couples barred our way.  We were not allowed to pass until each of them observed us kiss.  At each we had to turn to each other, embrace and kiss.  I loved it but Marissa was clearly embarrassed.  After the last kiss we entered the hall and everyone stood and clapped.  We were lead to the table of honor.
The reception was great.  Paul and Anna were acting as my parents for the event.  They and Marissa’s parents were seated at tables to the side and slightly behind Marissa and I.  In front of us were the tables with the Sponsors of the wedding and then the bridesmaids and groomsmen were at a table off the left with a few other guests.  I was really surprised at the number of Mag-anakers there.  Five couples including Paul and Anna, Em and Paul, and James and Lily and others.

The reception from that point on went like most receptions do.  We have a few announcements, ate a very large meal, had the customary shoving of the cake in each other’s face and the drinking of wine.  We had a dance of which before we could dance the emcee insisted we kiss at least two more times.  Several people including Marissa’s father some of the sponsors, Paul and Anna, some of Marissa’s friends got up and spoke and/or sang (Marissa sang with them of course).  I spoke last.  I thanked “Mom and Dad for their daughter”, the sponsors for honoring us with their support and the guest for making this a wonderful day and it was over.

We had to leave there and go to Marissa’s parent’s house for another reception because several of her family members were so poor that they refused to come to the reception.  I spent P6K on Marissa’s family’s clothes because they were too embarrassed to come also.

Finally we left her parent’s house and went to our suite.  She was hurrying us up all the way at her parent’s house.  I really think she wished we did not have to go there and I was concerned about her wearing that gorgeous wedding gown and climbing that mud hill to her parent’s house.  There were family members there though that were very happy we made a show for their sakes.  I know Marissa’s parents were happy about it too.